You Know Your Husbands an Arsonist When
by Blackened-Ashes.Remnants-of-a-Lost-Soul
Summary: Please read! Its a random story about the worlds combining in the three american fire emblem games. Its VERRY random. beware. review and get a cyber toaster!
1. Our Crappish First Chapter!

**What Not To Do With Cornflakes**

**Chapter 1: Attack of the Crapish First Chapter!**

**By: Rose and Ishy!**

**Rating: T**

Disclaimer: WE DO NOT OWN FIRE EMBLEM

Note: this story has nothing to do with cornflakes and the title will change randomly...whenever we feel like. whoot for us!

"So, you must be the tactician from that freak pansy with the red hair's world." Marisa said as the tactician from old Elibe walks up to her.

"Ehm...yes, that would be me." Rose said awkwardly.

"Well you seem better than that freak. He creeps me out. I mean, seriously, he has a sword like, heavier than he is

yet he's even more wimpy that Ewan when I first met him! How is that possible? Marisa wondered.

"Yep, that's our good ol' Eliwood. He may look like he's someone important, but he's optional. If we replaced him with a cardboard cut out we would get the same results. I'm really the only one leading these troops around here. He's sorta like...George Bush." Rose sighed

"Who the hell is 'George Bush'? Never mind. If he's as pansyish as this 'Eliwood' looks, he must be pretty bad."

They both heard screaming and turned their heads to see the commotion. Currently, Eliwood was hiding behind Marcus from a big, scary...grasshopper. They both sweatdropped and went back to what they were doing.

"So, any idea how any of this happened?" Rose asked Marisa.

Marisa knew what she was talking about. It all started about a week ago. They had just finished fighting the Demon King. Tears were shed, lives were lost, and lots of whining and 'we must now part ways' crap was being done. Man how she couldn't wait to get away from these idiots! A few days later, for...unknown reasons, the world was going insane. There were earthquakes and random volcanoes going off. All in all, it was hellishly awesome. For everyone else, they thought it was the end of the world. Then after 2 days of insane weather and random natural 'disasters' There was a huge crash, boom, bangish type thing and everything stopped. It was sorta like the twilight zone. Then, Magvel's landmass more than doubled. To the left, there was an island crashed into Magvel and to the right there was one. And we were smack dab in the middle of two unknown countries, probably full of complete dumbasses...whoot for us.

Anyway, about 3 hours later, this weird freak with blue hair came up with these beast...things...and aparently didnt think we could speak english because he was talking really slow and using his hands...either that, or he was just plain retarded...the latter I think personally. Anyway, after we finally convinced him that he could speak normally and we would understand just fine, we found out that he was basically in the same boat we were. He defeated some great evil King Hooziwhatsit and had his own long drawn out farewell speeches. Only he was from someplace called Tellius with beast people and crap. Then about 3 hours after him, from the other direction came an army of people led by a total pansyish FREAK. He was basically crapping himself at meeting new people. We were the ones who had to talk slow this time or else he might have ran away screaming. What a spazz.

Well, after about 4 hours of prying and 'I'm not allowed to talk to strangers' crap, we finally found out that his name was Eliwood and that the same thing happened to him. Only he just beat some whacked out druid and some dragons. Only instead of a boring drawn out crappy speech, they had a PANSYISH boring drawn out crappy speech. Well, some dumbass who has yet to be unnamed randomly screamed in the crown of the Eliwood Pansies that we should name the new...continent...Elimagellius and Eliwood liked it so that's what were stuck with. Anyway, they also had a tactician named Rose and she seemed decent enough so here we are trying to figure out what the hell just happened.

"Well...it's quite possible that the world is rebelling against the corny speeches" Marisa said sarcastically.

"If I was the world, I would too. I hate those damn bitchy freaks going all sappy at the end of that stuff" Rose sighed

"FINALLY someone knows whats going on!" Marisa exclaimed.

"Anyway, all we know is that the worlds combined, almost every lost their mind...if they had one to begin with."

She stops to glance at Eliwood who was now licking the dirt off the ground.

"Ehm...yeah. and that some people that were dead are now back to life." Rose said.

"Really? Well, I didn't know about that one." Marisa said.

"Yeah. well, on the way over here, we ran in to Nergal, who is now...giving whale watching tours? He was that guy we were fighting AND killed before we came here. To see him in a yellow poncho REALLY creeps me out." Rose said.

"Well, I wonder if the Demon King came back then? Oh well, if he lost his mind like that guy you were fighting, we should be okay." Marisa said.

"I KNOW WHY ALL THIS HAS HAPPENED!" a random soldier (yes, soldier as in the unit soldier which you can only be in Path of Radiance) was actually being SMART for once (A/N crazy, I know). "What reallly happened is..."

--We interupt this explanation for a commercial! Because everyone knows those are so much better than long explanations!--

The scene goes to Lyon who standing up in a furnished office space with a serious look on his face.

"Are you in credit card debt?" He asks sternly.

"Are you afraid that you can never get out? That you'll be stuck in that black hole of being inferior to your neighbor who obviously ISN'T in credit card debt and you know this because he rubs it in your face every chance he gets that he's better than you for the rest of your life? (he said that really fastly all in one breath)"

"We can help you with that, here at Grado Credit Card Debt Solutions."

The screen then goes to some posters made of cardboard with some different graphs on them looking like they've been made by a 4 year old.

"These graphs show that in the past 2 hours, credit card debt has gone up among Elimagellius...ans...by approxamately .0000043231."

The graphs actually have nothing to do with credit card debt. Most of them are about pie or crayola crayon sales.

Lyon then pulls the poster away from the screen and looks at them for a minute. "Pie? WHO THE HELL MADE THESE? I BET IT WAS THAT DUMBASS VIGARDE. HEEEEY VIGARDE! YOU BETTER GET YOUR..."

The camera then shifts slightly because the camera man is currently motioning to slit his throat with his finger and then points at the camera.

"WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT? HEY, ARE YOU LIKE A RETARDED EMO OR SOMETHING? THERES NO WAY YOU CAN SLIT YOUR THROAT LIKE THAT! HEY WHAT ABOUT THE CAM...ER...a...oh crap, we're still on aren't we?" Lyon looks nervous.

"Well, ehm...If you need help with your credit card debt, call us at (816) We-Like-That-Pie. Once again, (816) 93-5453-8428-743...We like that pie? What the heck? I bet the jackass who picked that phone number was the same idiot who made those signs!"

--Now back to Marisa and Rose and the Actually SMART soldier--

"NUH UH!" Marisa was screaming

"YEAH HUH!" The soldier said

"There is no way there was a penguin, a chicken, and a flapjack involved" The Soldier said

"Shyeah huh. Seriously, if he did that I would SOO go there!" Marisa said

"Ehm...will you guys stop bickering about what 'he' said at 'that place' with 'that thing' at 'that time' with 'that dog' and 'that pair of shoes'?" Rose said stepping in front of them with both her wakizashi out. (A/N: yes, i am making the tactician an actually fighter in this one. LIVE WITH IT btw, wakizashi are like katanas only...shorter.)

"Fine" They both replied in unison. They both felt like living the rest of the day and with the wakizashi pointed at their necks, further resistance was futile.

"So, that's really why all this happened?" Rose asked the soldier.

"OF COARSE! I am a true genius! The solution was simple once you consider all the conditions and facts." The soldier said

"Well, seeing as all soldiers are complete dumbasses, with this whole weird messed up personality thing, its possible he's a genius. I just guess we have to accept what he said as valid.

(A/N No, we arent going back to the explanation! You were watching a commercial then! it wasnt my fault! well, yes it was. im actually just to lazy to come up with what is happened so NYA! -sticks tongue out-)

"So, I guess that's it then? If it is, I'll be going. Me and Eliwood need to have a little...'talk'"

Rose said as she dragged a teary eyed Eliwood away by his shirt collar.

"NOOOOO! I DON'T WANNA GO BACK TO THE HOLE!" Eliwood could be heard screaming.

mmkay. Basically, this is a story co-written by Queen Ismaire. We will randomly change the title whenever we feel like it. Yes, the chapters will get better and more OOC and schtuffs. Rose is the tactician because I needed to come up with an OC named Rose to represent me. Queen Ismaire is obviously Ismaire because we wanted to be in the story too. If you have any idea about OOCs we could use, we love suggestions! Flames welcome. wh00t wh00t! We'll update whenever Ishy-sama comes up with the next chappie.

R&R!


	2. PentNapage?

_**Chapter 2: Pent-Napage!?!**_

_**Rating T**_

_**Disclaimer: Dont own FE, we OWN Ozzie the Bear bisnitch!!! -snaps in a z-shaped formation-**_

It was a clear, sunny day. The birds were chirping and there wasn't a cloud in the sky. There on this sunny day, on a random mountain, in a random part of Elimagellius, sat a cute little cottage which currently was housing Louise and Pent. Louise was sitting by a cute heart shaped window that she forced Pent to make last week. Because she is one of those nagging wives that seem sweet when your dating, but once you get married she turns into ultra-bitch? yeah.

She was sitting by her heart shaped window knitting and occasionally looking at the scenery...which right now consisted of a beatiful lake with the cute mutant fishies where the water was a nice beautiful shade of toxic purple. Oh, and you can't forget the nice burnt forest full of charred tree stumps and ashes. Just that week that had been a nice forest with cute little squirrels running everywhere. Poor squirrels. Ozzie the bear (Smokey's Elimagellius counterpart) would have a field day with Pent and his random arsonist moments...that is, if Ozzie hadn't of been cooked for dinner last night. Louise sighed and went back to her knitting.

Currently she was knitting Pent a new scarf. A bright orange and puke green scarf. Why does he need a scarf? Who knows. But that will probably be the next thing to go during his next arsonist attack. Currently, said arsonist was going out and "getting more firewood". Well, they already had a big 10ft tall pile in back so that was his lame excuse to get out and burn more forests down. He would probably come back sopping wet about 2 hours later and leave no explanation. Sometimes she wondered about that husband of hers.

Well anyway, in the middle of the burnt clearing sat a figure clad in a bright orange cape that reads "I'm not a husband stealer". There wasn't exactly many places to hid in the middle of a burnt clearing so they were sorta just sitting there. Smack dab in the middle. Why didn't Louise see them? We're going to figure this out in a multiple choice answer!!! wh00t!!!

A.:) She a dumbass

B :) She can't see shit but refuse to get glasses because they're 'unstylyish' and yes, unstylyish IS a word, or

D :) All of the above

Answer: D

Because everyone knows D) is the right answer to everything!!!! Well, either way, about 2 hours later Pent started walking up the only long, narrow, windy road up to the cabin having started 3 forest fires, 2 riots, and 4 lake toxinings...When he saw...A BOOK OF MATCHES!!!! Perfect, untouched matches just waiting to be lit. Sitting there all alone in the middle of the road!!! Egasp!!! He ran over to the matches only to have run right onto on eof htose genereic traps they always used to use on Poke'mon where you fall into a big hole in the ground covered in dirt.

About five minutes later her woke up from his 5 minute state of unconsiousness to find..."MATCHES!!!! WHOOTAGE!!!!" and he pocketed them quickly...only to find that he was in a random hole in the ground!!! "EGASP!!!!" He gasp'd and then on the top of the hole the culprit looked down to see her victim...Now would be the glorious time to gloat, brag, and in this case, kidnap said sage.

"OMIGOD!!! WHERE'S PENT!!!!?" Louise said randomly from her stitching. She looked around and Pent wasn't there. Oh well. That stupid arsonist would come back eventually...OR WILL HE? DUN DUN DUUUUUN!!!!!

"Pwahahahahahah! You fell for my trap!!" The orange cape clad person also known as '?' screamed from atop the hole.

"Ehm...who the hell are you?" Pent asked looking up from his matches.

"Hmm...well, we'll make this multiple choice because everyone LOVES multiple choice!!! I'm

A :) The boogeyman

B :) Your mom

C :) A pancake or

D :) None of the above?" ? asked

"Hmmm...is it...C?"

"WRONG!!!!! THE ANSWER IS ALWAYS D WITH MULTIPLE CHOICE YOU DUMBASS!!!!!!" and she threw a rock at him.

"But...I still don't know who you are!! Just tell me dammit!!!" Pent yelled

"Um...no?" And with that she threw another rock at him. This one knocking him unconsious.

"Maybe I should look for Pent. He has been gone really long and I don't see him anywhere!" Louise said to nobody in particular. She looked out ther heart shaped window and decided to look for Pent because otherwise she would be sitting in her cottage rocking back and forth in the fetal position until he came back. Which could be days from now. So, she grabbed her bow and 2 arrows because she's a dumbass and didn't want to hold more than two. Then she ran outside to look for her arsonist husband.

? was currently walking away from the hole where Pent **was,** as in, isn't anymore, carrying behind her a big burlap sack with what appeared to be a dead body in it walking torwards the cottage taht Louise was currently walking away from. Seeing as there is only one windy, narrow road going from the cottage to the bottom of the mountain chances are...They're going to run into each other.

About 20 minutes later Louise came running down the mountain with only 1 arrow left. How she lost the other one? Who really cares. Either way, she finally ran into ? who was walking at a much slower pace because of her burlap sack.

"Excuse me. Have you seen a mage/sage walking around named Pent? Silver hair...probably burning things..." Louise said

"Hmmm..." ? said as she pulled the burlap sack down to show what was inside.

"Does he look anything like...THIS!?!" and in the bag was Pent.

"Why yes..Yes he does!! Have you seen him?" Louise asked oblivious to the fact that Pent was in the bag

"YOU DUMBASS!!!!! THIS IS PENT!!!!" ? yelled.

"Why do you want Pent? I know your not a hussband stealer because your cape says so...so why?!" Louise cried currently breaking into tears for no apparent reason.

It was merely a disguise!! I really AM a husband stealer!!!! MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!" ? laughed maniacly

"Husband stealer? What the hell does that even mean?" Louise yelled.

"..What you thing it means bitch!!!" and with that? pulled the hand gun from the holder on her leg and shot Louise in the arm.

"But...can you at least tell me..." She coughs up a little blood

"Who you...are?" she says weakly because right now her already low HP is down to like, 5.

"Well...I'm not Ismaire!!!" And then Not Ismaire capped Louise with a bullet through her forehead and walked away, twirling the gun in her hands. Louises's limp body fell down to her knees, with blood now openly spewing out her forehead. She fell face first into the gravel.

OOO dramatic!!! wow...that ended kinda...dramatic...seeing as the whole thing was cracked up...oh well. the next chapter might actually have...A PLOT!!!! GASP!!! possibly. oh well. Its basically made to advance our little plot. R&R DAMMIT!!!!!! Z

to Zetsuke and ForensicDuelist4137:

Whootage!!! Reviews!!! -gives you cyber cookie- thankee for being our first two reviewers!!!! If you have any suggestions on character OOCs feel free to let us know!!!!


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